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Orchestral humor
The Cyber Symphony Website
Contents
- Conductor
Jokes
- Viola Jokes
- Unusual
Recital
- How
to Cook a Conductor
- Math Test
for Orchestra Members
- The
Quotations of Eugene Ormandy
- The
Violist and The Conductor
- More
Classical Humor
- The Golden
Rules of Ensemble Playing
- Instrumental
Jokes
Conductor Jokes
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.
"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra"
"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal."
So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?"
"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"
So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.
"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"
The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there."
"Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way."
A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?"
"Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead."
So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit."
"Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?"
"Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.
The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor.
"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.
"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence MillsIf there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
Look the other way just before cues.
Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
- The Quotations of Eugene Ormandy
--As collected by the members of the Philadelphia Orchestra.
Our recently retired second horn player, John Simonelli, used to regale us with "Ormandy Stories". John played horn in the Philadelphia Orchestra under Ormandy for a number of years in the 1960's before joining the TSO in 1974. John retired from the TSO in 1997. This is for you, John!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now we will play something we have never played before. I didn't mean that. Mahler wrote it as the 3rd Movement of his 4th Symphony. I mean the 4th Movement of his 1st Symphony - we play it third. The trumpet solo will be played by our solo trumpet player. It's named "Blumine" - which has something to do with flowers.
With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight.
... He is a wonderful man and so is his wife.
(On the occasion of the death of David Oistrakh) I told him he'd have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.
I conduct faster here so you can see my beat.
The next movement is still in the factory.
Think of your girlfriend or boyfriend or whomever you want to.
At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked quarter note = 80, uhh, 69.
All of you are ready to start so I must be ready.
It's not important. It's only important when it's late.
It's difficult to remember when you haven't played it before.
I'm conducting slowly because I don't know the tempo.
I don't want to repeat this 100 times. When you see crescendo, it means p.
I cannot give it to you so try to watch me.
I was trying to help you so I was beating wrong.
The minute you slow down a fraction, you're behind.
I wrote it the right way so it was copied the wrong way right - I mean the right way wrong.
Who is sitting in that empty chair?
Bass Clarinetist: What note do I have?
EO: The score is written out the way you hear it the way you play it - and I have to transpose back to normal.
Tubist: Long note?
EO: Yes, make it seem short.
I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn't.
The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.
You have to do two things. Watch it and me.
Even if the right instruments are not here, we will play it anyway. It's only a short piece.
I am thinking it right but beating it wrong.
I can conduct it better than I count.
Intonation is important, especially when it is cold.
It is not together, but the ensemble is perfect.
Don't ever follow me because I am difficult.
I purposely gave you a slower tempo, because I did not know what the right one was.
Suddenly I was in the right tempo -- but it wasn't.
Brass, stay down all Summer.
My bowings are only general.
After two minutes after this time, and I am already there.
This is one bar you should take home.
I never know where I am.
Tonight is the night when 300 years ago Johann Strauss was born. That's why this year is important.
Something went wrong. It was correct when I studied it.
There was confusion since I stood here 35 years ago.
During the rests -- pray.
It has no rhythm, but it will because it's so much faster.
Don't play louder, just give it more.
I don't get into politics, general or musical, but just call me if you get jury duty. Even in New Jersey I was able to help somebody.
More basses because you are so far away.
Relax. Don't be nervous. My God, it's the Philadelphia Orchestra!
You're looking at me so strangely.
I purposely didn't do anything and you were all behind.
It can either be too soon or too late or not together.
I go forward in tempo.
There is a shadow on every page.
You know who you are.
EO: To the Woodwinds: There are no woodwinds at Number 6.
Woodwinds: We're at number 15.
EO: I know. that is why.
Start 4 and be 42.
Did you play? It sounded very good.
I never say what I mean but I always manage to say something similar.
EO: Percussion a little louder
Percussion: We don't have anything.
EO: That's right, play it louder.
As pp as possible -- even softer.
That C major chord is always out of tune. I don't know why -- it can't be you.
Let me explain what I do here. I don't want to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary.
That's the way Stravinsky was -- Bup, bup, bup - The poor guy's dead now. Play it legato.
(To William Smith) Did you play?
WS: Yes.
EO: I know. I heard you.
Why do you always insist on playing while I'm trying to conduct?
We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane.
I think one thing and say another.
It's hot as hell as can be.
Start at B. No. Yes. No. Yes. NO.
Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.
Watch me closely -- only one can spoil it.
Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush.
It's so legato it's difficult to splice. Sibelius was famous for that.
I can see none of you are smugglers, that's why it's so loud.
You notice I go faster and slower, faster and slower. It is all in relation to the previous tempo.
The tempo remains pp.
Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately.
We do not know when he is coming. He is coming tomorrow.
Someone came too sooner.
After one performance it will be perfect.
That's the way it was every time I studied it.
Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days.
We have to play it longer because there are no numbers or letters.
Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa.
Don't think you are looking at me because you are not.
I mean what I meant.
I don't mean to make you nervous but unfortunately I have to.
Even when you are not playing, you are holding me back.
Not one of you told me I was too slow - I know I was too slow - why didn't you tell me?
He was listening so I don't remember.
I know this music from memory, not from the music.
I always feel I do it too slow, but then others do it faster.
Chorus, I am sorry you have to stand so long, but can you stand again?
Beauty is less important than quality.
there is a number missing. I can see it.
That was perfect. It was just the opposite from what I said yesterday.
Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn't here.
I need one more bass less.
Yes, the mutes are already on. You took them off in the beginning.
I am glad you asked me, or am.
You know me. I'm a maniac when it comes to rhythm.
I forgive you for shaving yourself.
It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.
It's marked accelerando, so you push ahead.
Q: is that a G or a G# Maestro? EO: Yes.
Why do you always start after my beat then rush to catch up? Do you want us to stay behind?
(Before walking on stage) Is the audience all here?
Tonight I'm going to listen with my ears.
Muti is going to do the Alpine Symphony this year. He will do it well because it is not very well known.
I will beat in six because of the distance.
It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money, you have to be flexible.
(In reference to Willy Knappell's death) Death is an awful thing. I don't believe in it myself.
(To Kendall Betts) When you have those dark glasses on, I can't tell whether you're looking at me or doubling.
Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it softly.
Start three bars before something.
Write it down in your own handwriting.
(To the horns) The trouble is not with you; it is with me. I have to catch him and then it is too late.
Let's start at 35 because I don't know where it is.
This is a very democratic organization, so let's take a vote. All those who disagree with me, raise their hands.
(To Cindy Williams, violinist) I don['t think I've ever met you. Are you Swedish?
If you don't have it in your part, leave it out because there is enough missing already.
- More Classical Humor:
"After playing the violin for the cellist Gregor Piatigorsky,
Albert Einstein asked, "Did I play well?"
"You played relatively well," replied Piatigorsky."Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their harps
and ten percent playing out of tune."
-- Igor StravinskyWhen told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his
concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait.""I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if
only to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's polyphony."
-- James Sellars"Exit in case of Brahms."
-- Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of
Boston Symphony Hall"Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like,
it's always by Villa-Lobos?"
-- Igor StravinskySomeone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the Metropolitan
Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst enemy."
"Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing."Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."
-- Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono"Parsifal -- the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and
after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says
6:20."
-- David Randolph"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing,
and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time."
-- Gioacchino Rossini"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."
-- Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress -
Strings
Violin Jokes
- What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
- What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
-
Viola Jokes
- How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Conductor: "Start three measures before the da capo."
Principal violist: "Hold on! We don't have measure numbers."
Viola Jokes
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
The viola holds more beer.
You can tune the violin.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Who cares?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
half a measure
a semi-tone--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
A prostitute knows more than two positions.
Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
Shoot 11 of them.
Shoot all of them.
Who the hell wants a dozen violists?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
Hold the viola from memory.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English.
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Unusual Recital
A Humid Recital Stirs Bangkok
The recital, last evening in the chamber music room of the Erawan Hotel by U.S. Pianist Myron Kropp, the first appearance of Mr. Kropp in Bangkok, can only be described by this reviewer and those who witnessed Mr. Kropp's performance as one of the most interesting experiences in a very long time.
A hush fell over the room as Mr. Kropp appeared from the right of the stage, attired in black formal evening-wear with a small white poppy in his lapel. With sparse, sandy hair, a sallow complexion and a deceptively frail looking frame, the man who has repopularized Johann Sebastian Bach approached the Baldwin Concert Grand, bowed to the audience and placed himself upon the stool.It might be appropriate to insert at this juncture that many pianists, including Mr. Kropp, prefer a bench, maintaining that on a screw-type stool, they sometimes find themselves turning sideways during a particularly expressive strain. There was a slight delay, in fact, as Mr Kropp left the stage briefly, apparently in search of a bench, but returned when informed that there was none.
As I have mentioned on several other occasions, the Baldwin Concert Grand, while basically a fine instrument, needs constant attention, particularly in a climate such as Bangkok. This is even more true when the instrument is as old as the one provided in the chamber music room of the Erawan Hotel. In this humidity, the felts which separate the white keys from the black tend to swell, causing an occasional key to stick, which apparently was the case last evening with the D in the second octave.
During the "raging storm" section of the D-Minor Toccata and Fugue, Mr. Kropp must be complimented for putting up with the awkward D. However, by the time the "storm" was past and he had gotten into the Prelude and Fugue in D Major, in which the second octave D plays a major role, Mr. Kropp's patience was wearing thin.
Some who attended the performance later questioned whether the awkward key justified some of the language which was heard coming from the stage during softer passages of the fugue. However, one member of the audience, who had sent his children out of the room by the midway point of the fugue, had a valid point when he commented over the music and extemporaneous remarks of Mr. Kropp that the workman who had greased the stool might have done better to use some of the grease on the second octave D. Indeed, Mr. Kropp's stool had more than enough grease and during one passage in which the music and lyrics were both particularly violent, Mr. Kropp was turned completely around. Whereas before his remarks had been aimed largely at the piano and were therefore somewhat muted, to his surprise and that of those in the chamber music room he found himself addressing himself directly to the audience.
But such things do happen, and the person who began to laugh deserves to be severely reprimanded for this undignified behavior. Unfortunately, laughter is contagious, and by the time it had subsided and the audience had regained its composure Mr. Kropp appeared somewhat shaken. Nevertheless, he swiveled himself back into position facing the piano and, leaving the D Major Fugue unfinished, commenced on the Fantasia and Fugue in G Minor.
Why the concert grand piano's G key in the third octave chose that particular time to begin sticking I hesitate to guess. However, it is certainly safe to say that Mr. Kropp himself did nothing to help matters when he began using his feet to kick the lower portion of the piano instead of operating the pedals as is generally done.
Possibly it was this jarring or the un-Bach-like hammering to which the sticking keyboard was being subjected. Something caused the right front leg of the piano to buckle slightly inward, leaving the entire instrument listing at approximately a 35-degree angle from that which is normal. A gasp went up from the audience, for if the piano had actually fallen several of Mr. Kropp's toes if not both his feet, would surely have been broken.
It was with a sigh of relief therefore, that the audience saw Mr. Kropp slowly rise from his stool and leave the stage. A few men in the back of the room began clapping and when Mr. Kropp reappeared a moment later it seemed he was responding to the ovation. Apparently, however, he had left to get a red- handled fire ax which was hung back stage in case of fire, for that was what was in his hand.
My first reaction at seeing Mr. Kropp begin to chop at the left leg of the grand piano was that he was attempting to make it tilt at the same angle as the right leg and thereby correct the list. However, when the weakened legs finally collapsed altogether with a great crash and Mr. Kropp continued to chop, it became obvious to all that he had no intention of going on with the concert.
The ushers, who had heard the snapping of piano wires and splintering of sounding board from the dining room, came rushing in and, with the help of the hotel manager, two Indian watchmen and a passing police corporal, finally succeeded in disarming Mr. Kropp and dragging him off the stage.
How to Cook a Conductor
How to Cook a Conductor
IngredientsOne large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt
One abused OrchestraFirst, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals.
Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.
Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.
WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.
Back to ContentsMath Test for Orchestra Members
Math Test for Orchestra Members
Wilma is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before she is fired from her job? If not, calculate the probability of her ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again.
Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation:
(Total days in the orchestra) x .000976
Assuming he stopped practicing altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?
Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances in 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors a year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?
Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?
Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?
Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?
The Quotations of Eugene Ormandy
Back to ContentsThe Violist and The Conductor
The Violist and The Conductor
This violist returns from his free lance job flipping burgers at McDonalds. He is pulling up to his street and off in the distance he sees an orange glow – it looks like a big bonfire.His friend and neighbour the bass trombone player comes up to him in a real panic and with a very sad look on his face. He says to the violist: "I have some really bad news for you. While you were at work at McDonalds, the conductor came over to your house. He smashed down the front door, screaming something about ‘I don’t want to hear that whining viola sound again’, grabbed two of your bows and proceeded to rub them together to make a fire. He took two of your best violas, the one worth $20 US and the other worth $18.95 CAD and smashed them into pieces placing the pieces in the smouldering fire as kindling."
"While waiting for the fire to get to a full roar, he heard a sound and it was your wife coming into the house. It turns out that they always had a thing for each other and they embraced passionately. Their eyes met and before you could say Johann Chrysostom Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, made mad, passionate love in front of the burning violas. When the curtains caught fire, they ran outside and watched, holding each other romantically, as the second storey burst into flames. They then jumped into the conductor’s BMW and drove to the airport and headed off to Hawaii to spend the rest of their lives together."
The violist, sounding really excited, said, "The conductor came to my house?"
More Classical Humor
Back to ContentsThe Golden Rules of Ensemble Playing
The Golden Rules of Ensemble Playing
1. Everyone should play the same piece.2. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat. The audience will love this a lot!
3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.
5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.
6. Take your time turning pages.
7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa).
8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
9. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score.
11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune."
13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.
14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.
15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.
16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left. If you have notes left over, please play them on the way home.
17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.
Instrumental Jokes
Strings
Woodwinds
Brass
Percussion
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
The viola holds more beer.
You can tune the violin.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Who cares?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
half a measure
a semi-tone--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
A prostitute knows more than two positions.
Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
Shoot 11 of them.
Shoot all of them.
Who the hell wants a dozen violists?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
Hold the viola from memory.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English.
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Radio presenter, Tim Pollard, on BBC Radio Jersey, when introducing a piece of music by the well-known British composer, Eric Coates, said:
"All Eric Coates ever wanted to do was to write music to entertain. But for a while he was a professional viola player."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------After his retirement the violist arrived home carrying his viola case. His wife saw the case and asked "What's that?"
(In Germany it is a standing joke that some players leave their instruments in their lockers, removing them only for rehearsals and performances.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A violist and a 'cellist were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the 'cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him "Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and ..."
The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, "The conductor? Came to my house?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A 'cellist and three violists walked into a restaurant. Presently a waiter came over to serve them.
"Good Evening, sir," he said to the 'cellist. "And what would like tonight?"
"I'd like a rump steak, medium rare," replied the 'cellist.
"Would you like anything with that?"
"What do you have?"
"Salad?" suggested the waiter.
"No, thank you," said the cellist.
"Potatoes?"
"Ah, no."
"Vegetables?"
"Oh, they'll have what I'm having."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, "You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill."
The pianist said, "Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills."
The viola player said, "You know--[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "viola left hand, bow right."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"
The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A viola player decides that he's had enough of being a viola player--unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.
He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin."
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a viola player."
The viola player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?"
"Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.
The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.
"No problem," replied the violist.
"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."
"I know. It'll be all right."
The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.
At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A musician from the Chicago Symphony one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped at genie.
"Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie.
"Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to to bring peace to this land."
The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."
"Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the Chicago Symphony viola section play in tune."
The genie quickly thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."
The violist guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.
The violist got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a violist, aren't you?"
The violist was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------When "Oetzi," the famous glacier-mummy, was found in the Alps, archeologists and anthropologists were mystified by the riddle of "Oetzi's" nature, the chief question being: "How did he get under the ice-fields?" Thanks to a joint venture operation by leading music-anthropologists the mystery has found its solution: "Oetzi" must have been a violist. How else could the glacier have caught up with him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In order to save money, the musicians decided to build their Union Hall themselves. As they proceeded to do the job, gradually the hierarchy of the musicians was reflected in the jobs that they did. The violists found themselves at the bottom of a ditch doing the nastiest of the digging. Above them, supervising, was a trumpet player. One violist turned to another and asked, "How come we're working down here and he's working up there?"
The other responded, "I don't know, but I'll go up there and ask."
The violist crawled up to the top of the ditch. "Why are we down there digging while you're up here supervising?" the violist asked the trumpeter.
"Because I'm smarter than you," was the reply.
"Huh, I don't understand," the confused violist said.
"Allow me to demonstrate," said the trumpeter. He walked up to the nearest tree, put out his open hand in front of the tree and said to the violist, "Hit my hand!"
The violist reared back with his fist and shot a punch at the trumpeter's open hand. At the last instant, the trumpeter moved his hand out of the way so that the violist's fist went slamming into the tree.
"OW!," cried the violist, "I see what you mean." He then returned to the ditch and his friend waiting below.
"Well," said the other violist, "did you find out why he's up there and we're down here?"
"Yes," said the violist, whose hand was still throbbing, "it's because he's smarter than us."
"I don't understand," said his friend.
"Let me explain it to you," said the violist. He then took his open hand and placed it in front of his own face.
"Now," he said, "hit my hand with your shovel!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Once upon a time there was a hospital where they made brain transplantations. A client asked about the prices.
The doctor said, " Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000...this brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000...oh yes, here we a violist's brain as well. It costs $50000."
- The Quotations of Eugene Ormandy